my december

i miss my mom and dad’s comment on my facebook. i really miss dad making fun of my cooking, and preserving my cookies for days and maybe a year -  because they were too hard and as good as souvenir. i have been listening to yellow ledbetter and masters of war again and again, had my pearl jam playlist on for today’s running at the gym. i felt homesick this time. i spoke to my dad yesterday morning to wish him well for his most anticipated expedition with collage mates to belom. he was very excited to spend four nights at the boat house, fishing and trekking in the jungle. little that i know that he could not make the trip due to infection at his diabetic foot ulcer which causing his leg to swell and hurt. i have never been so incapable of doing things. all text books and journals on wound healing laid idle on my desk, waiting. on my visit to wound clinic in malaysia few years ago i seen severe infections and amputations from diabetic related wounds. it broke my heart, devastatingly. the air and atmosphere in the room was densed and smell of pus, it was exhausting. i felt ashamed of complaining, even to myself quietly. the unsung heroes, doctors and nurses working tireless tending the patients, always with smiles on their faces. the head nurse came to me at once because she saw me unwell and trying to keep balance by holding tight to one of the bed railings. i told her that i did not want to create any scene, i just needed a fresh air and so she helped me walking out of the ward. we spent a quality fifteen minutes at outside talking about diabetic related wound and how environment, demographic and household income are salient to health and well-being.

yellow ledbetter made me think of going home and work things like what Prof. Yannas did - to solve problems and spend the rest of my life dedicating to the research. i met him at the lobby two days ago, at the place where i usually hang out and had my home made salad during the lunch. i wished him a merry, joyous celebration and a happy new year. he smiled and laughed - even asked me to email him so we can talk more about science. my last email to him was about curiousity kills the cat, but kindness saved humanity. certainly, Prof. Yannas is cooler than Newton, who was known for arrogant misantrope. an intellectual triumph but not a loving kind. i respect Newton’s disdain for everyday pursuits of the world - like a christmas party or networking events, because sometimes I feel meeting people drains a lot of energy. although we can go on talking about Gibbs and entropy, i could feel the exergy coming out from my body. this 25th, is also Newton’s birthday. may the force be with you and merry christmas.

all i want for next year is to be with my family and wishing everyone to be healthy and well.

yellow ledbetter

dear daisy,
i had never met anyone as wonderful and interesting as him, whose heart, soul and mind are not just peculiar, but almost an endangered kind. we would speak for hours about songs and my stupidity - my slow grasp on syntax be it C plus or double/triple plus or parceltounge (i got confused with pyton) . and adventures - his climbing and mountaineering activities that i am not truly fond of because i fear at getting lost, grizzlies, creepy crawlings, height and the need to swim. i usually walk on the safe side to make sure there will be working phone signal in case of emergency.

we spent last night talking about bob dylan’s nobel lecture and how his works profoundly took affects on us. i was introduced to bob dylan during my undergraduate by a friend, who was an avid fan and reader - he sent me letters and complained about my books selection - he bought me couple of kelvin and hobbes, and harry potter (the fifth one) - as for bob dylan, i received chocolates from dylan’s candy store. i read dylan’s work like reading poetry. they are mysterious and genius. all along the watchtower was a masterpiece - and glad that battlestar galactica used the note to unravel the mystery of the final five.

i will be leaving states soon, and i hate it when he played yellow ledbetter in the lab today. it gave twinge in my heart, sometimes i questioned myself too - about staying. there are a lot of uncertainties these days, and heart break is just collateral.

there are only few people who call me em, yeah like eminem - or the master, like in the james bond.

dad told me of his upcoming expedition to belum, after so long years with his friends from college. i told him to take pictures of wild orchids and flowers.

pearl jam brought to memory of fourteen year old me, reading master of war and state of live and trust. it was my first nickname on irc before i changed to a yellow fruity chewing gum label that became my permanent alter ego.

let's talk about the importance of selfie

one of the most interesting conversations i had with my professor was about buzz aldrin. not only almost all iconic pictures of the first moon landing were his, including the so-called first step on the moon (it was not the first foot print on the moon, it was buzz's after so many steps).

easy for you to say things about me...

judy bridgewater - never let me go

i miss you daisy

never let me go - kazuo ishiguro

  

All the same, some of it must go in somewhere. It must go in, because by the time a moment like that comes along, there's a part of you that's been waiting. Maybe from as early as when you 're five or six, there's been a whisper going at the back of your head, saying: "One day, maybe not so long from now, you'll get to know how it feels." So you're waiting, even if you don't quite know it, waiting for the moment when you realise that you really are different to them; that there are people out there, like Madame, who don't hate you or wish you any harm, but who nevertheless shudder at the very thought of you-of how you were brought into this world and why-and who dread the idea of your hand brushing against theirs. The first time you glimpse yourself through the eyes of a person like that, it's a cold moment. It's like walking past a mirror you've walked past every day of your life, and suddenly it shows you something else, something troubling and strange.

asgard - neighbourhood of gods

iceland - note

myself at D.C. with the pencil

dear daisy,

there are many versions of norse mythology - one of them is by neil gaiman (which i haven't read it). rumor has been circulating among the tourists who had been to iceland that almost everyone there have the potential to be an amazing storyteller or a writer - no doubt that jules verne went to icelandic volcano and got inspiration to write about the journey to the middle of the earth

i applied for a volunteering job as a photographer, only to realise that i only had crappy photographs, unedited and all over places (i have a problem with filing management). i guess it is too late to build a portfolio for now.

i wish i could reply to the email that i was recently acquainted with greg marinovich, who wrote on my camera strap - this is munira's memory maker and thought that my camera is cool. the fact that i have not been using photoshop for ten years was admirable too. i don't even use filter for my instagram. no wonder i only got few likes. if facebook has the dislike button like youtube, my pictures would probably hit thousands of thumb down.

anyway i got the chance to ask greg on how the hell that he got ryan phillipe to play him in the movie.

this picture captured the feeling of "i want to break free" 

Leave Out All The Rest (Official Video) - Linkin Park

because in life, to move on we need to follow the third law of thermodynamics.



-------------

just watched carpool karaoke linken park - with ken choong (that dude from the hangover) - i cried with laughter. i never felt such sadness that accompanied by laughter. depression is real and my heart felt thoughts are with those who are fighting their inner demons, may they will be brave and lead this life beautifully and happily because their life too are precious and important to those who love them and to those who wish they know you so they can love you whole heartedly.



----------------

nocturnal. 2.41 a.m.

welcome to machine and artificial people

40 years ago, my parents went on their first date to roger waters concert in baton rouge, lousiana - the story that i had been fed ever since i grown old enough to understand about life, dating, love, and of course, rock and roll. looking back, my parents were much cooler than me - because usually i went to concerts alone. turned out, finding friends is harder than working on engineering or finding good materials to read. i get accustomed of not getting invitations since school to undergraduate years to working, so i grew up to love volunteering, reading and painting during my free time. i learn that people can hate you for no reason, it is the same with love. 

dad said that even if the world and everyone else turn their back on me, he will love me anyway. 

during my last visit home, me and dad sat in the kitchen talking about the world and great musicians in the 70s and 80s, who are still thriving and going strong like bruce springsteen, yusuf islam and roger waters. 

that night i played the song "don't dream it's over" by crowded house. i told him that my current favorite band is imagine dragon and introduced him to the song, its time...... sang out loud on the verse, packing my bag and leaving the academia with a raincheck. ... .... oh my frustration.

my dad taught me a lot on humanities and the world, he would read the front page from the newspaper when we had breakfast before school and narrated about things that had been going on at the time such as apartheid, the imprisonment of Nelson Mandela, famine in Somalia, war in Bosnia and Balkan region, margaret thatcher, Palestine occupation and a lot more. 

when i was seven, i always had fights with my classmates especially boys - being in the same size was actually an advantage and fair play - i hate bullies and i think that growing up with cousins in muar taught me a lot about fighting back bullies and not letting them to bully others. guys never like the stories about them getting punches and kicks from a girl - for fear being labeled bully and loser. - taylor swift was right - reputation is important. 

can you see, it all makes perfect sense....

time is linear,

memory is a stranger,

history is for fool,

and man is tool.

                                                                              (perfect sense, roger waters)

i read in nst today about RM 1.5 billion been siphoed from projects targeted for the development of rural and hardcore poor in Sabah. 

persatuan pengguna islam malaysia paid the fine of RM 70,000 for a fraud dentist who was self taught from youtube. 

george monbiot is right about the greatest culprit are in disguise, wearing capes in the name of environment, religion and human right. 

the tamples' get ruin, the bankers get fat, the buffaloes gone, the mountain top's flat and the salmons are hemaphrodites... 

                                                                                              (deja vu, roger waters)

when we were orphans

ishiguro is awarded the Nobel Prize for literature - unleash the hope that someday ramli awang murshid could win this prestigious award someday.

nobel

i was very excited when the committee announced that both trios from america working on "biological clock" and gravitational wave won the prize for physiology/medicine and physics.

i am waiting to hear who will win the peace prize this year, although i think this award should be eliminated. but isn't it ironic, that the peace prize is awarded by the committee of a foundation whose founder great works were on detonation and weapon.

----------------------update

the nobel prize for economy is awarded to Richard Thaler - who made the economy human again, and taking account on the fact that people are busy, absent minded, lazy and that we should try to make things as easy as possible to them when designing economy policy. unlike dylan - he is coming to stockholm this year.

uncertainty principle.

historians have concluded that Heisenberg must have been contemplating his love life when he discovered the Uncertainty Principle: when he had the time, he didn't have the energy, when the moment was right, he couldn't figure out the position. 

dear daisy,

i think of going hiatus for a while - having both of my parents on social media - are nice but weird. they are both eccentric and quirky. my sister said that, there goes my imposture syndrome. i am no longer original. my parents are funnier than me.

mom made a comment on my wall yesterday and called me a robot - from my collection of movies and snoopy-space t shirts (just like mike massimino's)

i wish it was from mr. robot from the f society. i'm now online from coney island, ny - crashing at a friend's place.

the new season of mr robot is coming up next week. more reason not to be online.

selimut ajaib

sleep deprivation is anti depressant for nearly half of depressed patients

hola. welcome to my nocturnal diary and the playlist is playing songs from imagine dragon. my ideas are like flashes of smokes and mirror. bits and bops. waiting to explode.

i like my social media and spend my time browsing at family and friends' life and times to fill my boredom from sitting and staring too long at the computer. i hate seeing pseudoscience products with idiotic claims on biology, chemistry and physics when they are totally fraudulent. oi makcik, now hear the freedom of my frustrations.

turn off your halo light, your claims are totally bullshit. even though green energy generated from shit could light up a whole village, your halo light ain't one.  you questioned my path to heaven and hell when i busted your overpriced, bogus science products which you sold to low income families and those who do not understand science deeply - i made my choice, to burn your scam to the grave. and i don't need to answer your question.

when shahnon ahmad wrote shit in 1998, i was just 15 and read the copy from my dad. it was banned due to vulgar and derogatory "words" and comments about filth and misdemeanor among politicos  - although it was obviously a satire.

but i guess, tom lehrer was right that satire becomes obsolete when henry kissinger won the nobel prize. the kissinger scale kept increasing over time  when EU, perez and syu kii were named laureates.

i guess satire is already dead now.

8 years after shahnon ahmad's shit, henry frankfurt published a short essay "on bullshit" that was well received by academic audience. both books have similarities in their views on the danger of misinformation and brain washing of population by mass media to gain political control.

back to the sellers' claim that selimut ajaib can help stroke patients restore their neural functions and mobility. i find it amazing that a piece of cloth with wiring and sensors without proper technology and science could actually regenerate nerves - kau ingat ni iklan susu kanak kanak apa? sel-sel otak berkembang.

of course i am angry. it is offensive to my profession as tissue engineer. you just strike my bee hive and insult my work. also, the price is ridiculous thousands of ringgit. you scam the helpless and those who don't truly understand medicine and engineering. f. u.

why don't you just let the doctors get back to their job - and stop taking advantages from the vulnerable. maybe you should find other jobs. or sell different products like cupcakes. i like cupcakes. and maybe someday i will buy one from you.

escape velocity

sometimes the right thing is luxury and it can have profoundly dangerous consequences.

weekend at isabella stewart gardner - rekindle the story of thomas crown affair - the largest art heist - on 18th march 1990.

 samwell found the secret on how to kill the whitewalkers in this book.

hahvard square

cycling home from mass ave. sometimes i wish there is "pintu sukati hati aku lah" when i get too tired from the day. or whenever i feel like to eat and spend the whole evening sleeping until the next morning. sounds platonic, eh. my relationship with sleep is even worse than iceland prime minister's love hate relationship with pineapple pizza. i'd love to write about Murphy's Law but i am really lazy to think about it after spending hours reading on crystallinity and physics - oh god why i never paid attention to glass transition and melting temperature before. this behavior could be the answer for human tissue regeneration. reading Prof. yannas's paper, published in 1967 on gelatin glass transition and melting temperature - and corrected flory's work on the same topic - gave a hard bitch slap on my pretty face. i didn't know that this was important. i couldn't care less about dilatometer because we have TGA and DSC, and powerful 400Hz NMR machine - or matrix assisted laser dilapidated ionization time of flight to determine the crystallinity and molecular packing in the polymer. i wasn't paying attention to the physics - it was always someone else's job. i just wanted my number and get away with it. that was the reason why biomaterials do not work in organ regeneration. i admit, my ignorance failed me this time. Prof asked if i ever looked into the structure and understand the evolution of material (collagen) over thousands of years - making it stable and the best candidate for organ regeneration. the answer lies in the crystallinity, packing order, band formation and number of binding site for the protein (integrin) as many scientists in this era did not look into this and only replicate the morphology and structural features. 

that answer my ten year quest working with natural and synthetic polymers for organ regeneration - from alginate, to gelatin, glucomannan, xanthan, collagen, 9gag, chitosan and fibrin glue. i bought the idea that nature has abundance supplies for organ regeneration - due to evolution transcended over myr of years, we may share the same traits and structure that can be useful to treat organ defect and support human's ability to regenerate and heal. in fact, i only got it half right and it was not good enough for organ regeneration. 

the Murphy's Law - that anything could happen, and possible if you can think about it - doesn't really work. 

because  thinking without reasoning and understanding the fundamental physics can be futile and wasting time. (although you may want to think that time isn't real, it is just passing of events).