damien rice - delicate

O is my favorite album. cannonball is my favorite song.



dear daisy,

i am always drawn to my past and repeating the same cycle, with a little bit of twist, and twinge. going to the same place that i had been before, seeing people from my past - but the list shrinks with time, i guess or if i recall from a reading, that in life, we don't need more than five friends. and if you have, then you are lucky, but if you don't - don't worry. we all will be reduced to ashes, as stardust, scattering, floating and wondering in this vast universe.



we came to this world alone, and maybe that is how we should leave the world too. as a stranger. should it bother me that no one will ever remember me, just the way i want them to remember me? even biographies are full with historical inaccuracies and overt claims in forms of humble brags. maybe i should be paying attention at writing this blog with consistencies and less angry about everything.



i had this conversation with a good friend whom i studied with in korea a few days ago, if we ever go back to seoul, we would take the train to the last station and climb the mountains for the sake of old memories. i want to look back at yoido and walk under the canopies of cherry blossom, run from oksu bridge to apkujeoung, eat watermelon and do things that made me happy. it really doesn't matter anymore that my friends dislike me at the time. i don't miss them. they were just tiny fragments in my story. seoul has always been sentimental and betrayal of an ex-husband and an ex-friend.

dear daisy,

dear daisy,

my mother passed away peacefully in march after getting diagnosed with sarcoma on the very morning of chinese new year in february.  writing again after a long absence feels awkward, i just don't know where should i start. i miss my mom everyday. and looking myself in the mirror makes me miss her more. i wish i have half of her gut and courage, the love for life and patience. i used to tell myself that the best way to experience life is to live a life. for that reason, i stopped writing for a while and stayed away from social media. i went back into my journals that i wrote when i was in undergrad and school - i was a terrible hopeless romantic. predictable and gullible. despite what the heck persona, i married the guy who shared his ipod and ran the cheonggyechon with me. maybe i should look into other things, perhaps - his book shelf? subscription and watsapp notification (i tend not to trust people who hide their timestamp)

there is more to life than being cool - told my mom. marriage is something else, sometimes you are lucky, and sometimes you are not. nevertheless, you will get bored after sometime, and that needs hardwork.

maybe marriage is not for me anymore. i told my mom not to worry about.

in her deathbed, i played the songs that she loved from the carpenters and pink floyd' wish you were here from 1977 very first date with babah. i went to roger water's concert in boston all by myself in 2017, exactly fourty years after. of course i received that 'look' from my parents, but it was hard to find people with the same interest and let alone a band from yesteryears. maybe i was wrong because i went to coldplay concert alone too. and to other concerts - daughtery, goo goo dolls etc. i had this conversation with my good friend weeks ago, that we shall go to 30 seconds to mars together even when we are old and ripe, and sing out loud, brave new world to each other's face.

i like someone who reads. but not like socrates with philosophical view that expand from politics to academics and sustainable world. maybe someone who is simple and logic, good at senses. and the list go on. mom knew, despite all, i love someone who love and care for me, simply because of love - the greatest gift of all.

i miss my mom. and i miss making excuses.

i found her rendang tok' recipe this morning while cleaning the shelves. it has been sometime since i last made rendang. i am blessed with a father, a brother and a sister who are good at cooking - that is me making excuse not to cook for raya.

i miss you mom. life is difficult without you.

my december

i miss my mom and dad’s comment on my facebook. i really miss dad making fun of my cooking, and preserving my cookies for days and maybe a year -  because they were too hard and as good as souvenir. i have been listening to yellow ledbetter and masters of war again and again, had my pearl jam playlist on for today’s running at the gym. i felt homesick this time. i spoke to my dad yesterday morning to wish him well for his most anticipated expedition with collage mates to belom. he was very excited to spend four nights at the boat house, fishing and trekking in the jungle. little that i know that he could not make the trip due to infection at his diabetic foot ulcer which causing his leg to swell and hurt. i have never been so incapable of doing things. all text books and journals on wound healing laid idle on my desk, waiting. on my visit to wound clinic in malaysia few years ago i seen severe infections and amputations from diabetic related wounds. it broke my heart, devastatingly. the air and atmosphere in the room was densed and smell of pus, it was exhausting. i felt ashamed of complaining, even to myself quietly. the unsung heroes, doctors and nurses working tireless tending the patients, always with smiles on their faces. the head nurse came to me at once because she saw me unwell and trying to keep balance by holding tight to one of the bed railings. i told her that i did not want to create any scene, i just needed a fresh air and so she helped me walking out of the ward. we spent a quality fifteen minutes at outside talking about diabetic related wound and how environment, demographic and household income are salient to health and well-being.

yellow ledbetter made me think of going home and work things like what Prof. Yannas did - to solve problems and spend the rest of my life dedicating to the research. i met him at the lobby two days ago, at the place where i usually hang out and had my home made salad during the lunch. i wished him a merry, joyous celebration and a happy new year. he smiled and laughed - even asked me to email him so we can talk more about science. my last email to him was about curiousity kills the cat, but kindness saved humanity. certainly, Prof. Yannas is cooler than Newton, who was known for arrogant misantrope. an intellectual triumph but not a loving kind. i respect Newton’s disdain for everyday pursuits of the world - like a christmas party or networking events, because sometimes I feel meeting people drains a lot of energy. although we can go on talking about Gibbs and entropy, i could feel the exergy coming out from my body. this 25th, is also Newton’s birthday. may the force be with you and merry christmas.

all i want for next year is to be with my family and wishing everyone to be healthy and well.

yellow ledbetter

dear daisy,
i had never met anyone as wonderful and interesting as him, whose heart, soul and mind are not just peculiar, but almost an endangered kind. we would speak for hours about songs and my stupidity - my slow grasp on syntax be it C plus or double/triple plus or parceltounge (i got confused with pyton) . and adventures - his climbing and mountaineering activities that i am not truly fond of because i fear at getting lost, grizzlies, creepy crawlings, height and the need to swim. i usually walk on the safe side to make sure there will be working phone signal in case of emergency.

we spent last night talking about bob dylan’s nobel lecture and how his works profoundly took affects on us. i was introduced to bob dylan during my undergraduate by a friend, who was an avid fan and reader - he sent me letters and complained about my books selection - he bought me couple of kelvin and hobbes, and harry potter (the fifth one) - as for bob dylan, i received chocolates from dylan’s candy store. i read dylan’s work like reading poetry. they are mysterious and genius. all along the watchtower was a masterpiece - and glad that battlestar galactica used the note to unravel the mystery of the final five.

i will be leaving states soon, and i hate it when he played yellow ledbetter in the lab today. it gave twinge in my heart, sometimes i questioned myself too - about staying. there are a lot of uncertainties these days, and heart break is just collateral.

there are only few people who call me em, yeah like eminem - or the master, like in the james bond.

dad told me of his upcoming expedition to belum, after so long years with his friends from college. i told him to take pictures of wild orchids and flowers.

pearl jam brought to memory of fourteen year old me, reading master of war and state of live and trust. it was my first nickname on irc before i changed to a yellow fruity chewing gum label that became my permanent alter ego.

let's talk about the importance of selfie

one of the most interesting conversations i had with my professor was about buzz aldrin. not only almost all iconic pictures of the first moon landing were his, including the so-called first step on the moon (it was not the first foot print on the moon, it was buzz's after so many steps).

easy for you to say things about me...

judy bridgewater - never let me go

i miss you daisy