guilty all the same

dear daisy,

we are all complicit in the crimes of humanity and the upheaval that are happening around world. it is really bothersome that we are living in an orwellian dystopia with mass surveillance, injustice and inequality becoming part of the social fabric. i think aging has a lot to do with the way i look at the world now, orwell, atwood and many accomplished scholars produced masterpieces by the tender age of 30s following accounts of ebbs and flows in lives. maybe someday i will too. this journey is part of educational process. anthony bordain's kitchen confidential was published when he was about 40 and loosely based on orwell's down and out in paris and london. it helped to launch his career as food traveler and a wonderful human being, touching many souls from walks and alleys of lives.

i am writing from london, a couple of blocks away from the famous address 221b, baker street, home of the famous detective, sherlock holmes. somehow the ambiance feel like dickensian christmas. the dark alleys branching from wonderful brightly lit christmas lighting placed number of rugged homeless and rough sleepers carrying cardboard asking for food and a little money to settle with the cold and hunger. there are people in the world so hungry that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread. it is unfathomable that hunger and poverty is an issue in one of the richest countries in the world. to london, the place where many of world's richest and billionaires live - the situation draws greater attention to inequality and the need to effectively tax the richest.

unlike before, london is grim with uncertainty due to the outcome of the recent GE result. i don't know what no deal brexit will bring to commoners like me. the current government of UK have not settled with Grenfeld and Windrush, and yet they are embarking into much bigger problems concerning many of its residents are from european countries (EU and non-EU) and other commonwealth countries.

the youtube is playing news from aljazeera. the world in the past weeks had been a stage of bloodbath, racism, misogynista, historical and factual denial and hysterical. it is not surprising how people can be reduced into such extent. information is expensive and trading commodity. not many people have the access to newspapers and the internet. many of the free flow information are either designed to manufactured consent, corrupt or to sell products. for that reason alone, it is a must that we defend internet neutrality.

a few weeks ago i shared an article from the washington post about the harrowing situation of cobalt mining for lithium ion battery in democratic republic of congo.
 https://www.washingtonpost.com/gdpr-consent/?destination=%2Fgraphics%2Fbusiness%2Fbatteries%2Fcongo-cobalt-mining-for-lithium-ion-battery%2F%3Ftid%3Dsm_tw

yesterday, the guardian reported that apple, google, tesla and many other companies are getting sued for their implicit conduct and profited from the labour of children and adult, who were forced to work in dangerous conditions that causing severe injuries and morbidities, life long health issues and ultimately death.

https://www.theguardian.com/global-development/2019/dec/16/apple-and-google-named-in-us-lawsuit-over-congolese-child-cobalt-mining-deaths

i use many of the products by the mentioned companies for years, and the issue raised by the washington post is not new, but the lawsuit is. it is difficult to extricate ourselves from technology and it is also difficult not to think about the unscrupulous acts and crimes to obtain materials necessary for the technology. it is always a moral dilemma. it is a good thing that this lawsuit is happening. it always take someone kind, concern, brave and altruist to pull strings to bring down inhumane practices of multinational companies. i wonder, what role could i have taken? i am guilty all the same. i do my best at keeping my electronics for longer use and only change my phone at every 3-4 years. and yet this is not enough. i am rooting for this lawsuit to win so it could pave way to sustainable, safe and greener future.

my wish, may you spare the children and adult  in your thought and prayers whenever you thinking of buying new gadgets for this coming sales.

almost unreal - roxette

today was almost unreal, there were too many miscalculation, misstep and mistakes. unlike the past five months without gps, today was the first day that i used my new iphone for the direction i already knew. i became unsure when the map told me to reroute to avoid the traffic jam. i was already near to the building where i was scheduled to meet a good friend of mine. took me an hour to sort the directions, because the gps kept directing me to the longest way run (but not the shorter way home).

i could not sleep thinking about the day. what kinda of worse that could happen.  

everytime you go away ...

dear daisy,

it seems that i could not get rid of this song out of my mind after watching the watchmen, mid weekdays after long day at work. the nostalgia episode is haunting me of memories from the past. i miss my mom, i miss seeing her in the house and randomly came to my room for an afternoon nap while i was reading.

i am having difficulties at breathing and on inhaler for two months now. running seems like a difficult task and my last marathon was in 2018.  i am trying to get better, one thing at a time. the grief, sorrow and sadness will never get away whilst the best is to make the life better than the sufferings - from ben okri, the famished road - the book that i didn't manage to finish yet. perhaps this is the most authentic thing about being human, our capasity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our sufferings.

the blessing to this make me ponder much upon lives, because talking is exhausting, i listen more and learn sign language via youtube with my niece.

a friend came to visit me yesterday in cyber, we went to a launching ceremony of a chemical product that was hyped to reduce carbon emission from fossil fuel burning and revolutionized the industry. i was curious by the claim. after two and half hours there, the product turned out to be an MLM scam and the demonstration with fire was nothing but blowing the candles out of a birthday cake - leaving people in awe and amazement of false description of how engine should work with fuel.

industrial revolution.

it horrible to think that there is no revolution without bloodshed. revolution is a war and there is no war without violence. by the same virtue, perhaps we need to change our rhetoric at fighting the climate change by using effective verbs without connotation to mass killing, injustice and horrible monstrous acts.

next week will be my last week of the year teaching before leaving to london with my cousin and her family. this time, the feeling is different, her cancer diagnosis last week did not turn out to be good. i am loss at words. i did not know what to ask and to say to make her comfortable. it turned out the friend who came yesterday shares the same oncologist with my cousin. she showed me the postings from her support group, many are young mothers with small children, around my age. like my cousin, she is doing her best to protect, to nurture and to care of the young ones because no one will love the children like their own mothers.

at this tender age of 36, i am struggling to cope with the loss and some days went by like winds. i didn't even recognise my friend who was mom's doctor in the palliative care. i volunteered with her at rohingya mobile clinic on a monthly basis for few months but she was a stranger to me at the time. all memories came flooded back when we met again in a charity clinic at chow kit a month after my mother's passing.

looking back at my writings, i clearly do not have any directions. i always wanted to be a scientist in tissue engineering and organ regeneration, someone good in art and live in a house that i design - with contemporary 70s geometrical look. how should i write the application to the ceo program as the dateline is tomorrow - i have no idea about business organization, trading and commercialisation.
my aim is to beat sundar pitchai and bring back the balance in internet neutrality and to make sure that the company i lead pays tax and adhere to social liability - unlike facebook and the housing crisis in san francisco. i just finished reading the open letter by larry parge and sergei brin upon their resignation from alphabeth to make way to sundar pitchai as the new ceo.

i am not a socialist. i don't want to give name to my political belief because i am not sure of how the world is functioning. the world that we know today is ever keeping evolving dynamically and organically and there is a need for a leader that is capable to adapt, to withstand challenges and criticisms and able to make good decision to steer path for the betterment of the company in the future.

i hope 2020 will bring goodness and be kind to me. i wish i will get the grant for my tissue engineering work. it is physics, chemistry, math and biology, not science fiction ala' mary shelley - but modern prometheus is the basis for bioethics. perhaps in another day, i will write about that.

microbes 101 - class presentation

back to fourth of december.

dear daisy,

it has been six years, and three years since new york in december. i remember queuing in the cold, windy afternoon for the mets - for david hockney, picasso and michealangelo - but hockney was the highlight, for making the most expensive art by a living artist. his exhibit received the largest crowd. while waiting, i had a hotdog from the street to burn some calori for heat. it was lame and i prefer a nice cuppa - well a warm hug would suffice actually. so after the visit i got myself a nice beryani from the halal guys a couple blocks away from the 98th street. i am a nerd.  (4th street reminds me of bob dylan).

i got distracted from writing this entry - nieces and nephews are here for school holiday. life is merrier. and better. much better than when i was in the states. i think there is a need to have purposes and good intention in order to have a meaningful and wonderful kind of life.

a year and half volunteering with refugees and marginalized community in kuala lumpur had been uplifting and frustrating at the same time. it made me ponder upon my life in a bubble. i may turn into different directions, falling into mishaps and unfortunate events. i have no idea how my life would turn out this way because i always wanted to do art for living - i applied for architecture school and creative multimedia in animation (because i love cyberjaya) but i settled for engineering in seoul because going abroad sounds like yahoo!.

i haven't pick up brushes since the watercolor class a month ago - to spend the time with my sister didi ( - the paint, palette and brushes are still inside my car, just like the boxing gloves and other gym thing). technically the past few months had been turmoil and re-adjusting my life with mom's absent. soon - dad is getting married.

how i wish mom never left us.

i watched bbc hardtalk last night, where stephen sackur interviewed recently released from manus island detention and last year winner of australia's highest literary award mr. behrouz boochani.

https://www.bbc.com/news/av/world-australia-50662530/boochani-australia-s-barbaric-policy-towards-boat-people

notes

epiphany

a song from a movie which i saw when i was fourteen, a mirror has two faces starring jeff bridges and barbara streisand.

today's incident at the classroom brought me to this song. two college professors and a class crossover.

what an epiphany.

damien rice - delicate

O is my favorite album. cannonball is my favorite song.



dear daisy,

i am always drawn to my past and repeating the same cycle, with a little bit of twist, and twinge. going to the same place that i had been before, seeing people from my past - but the list shrinks with time, i guess or if i recall from a reading, that in life, we don't need more than five friends. and if you have, then you are lucky, but if you don't - don't worry. we all will be reduced to ashes, as stardust, scattering, floating and wondering in this vast universe.



we came to this world alone, and maybe that is how we should leave the world too. as a stranger. should it bother me that no one will ever remember me, just the way i want them to remember me? even biographies are full with historical inaccuracies and overt claims in forms of humble brags. maybe i should be paying attention at writing this blog with consistencies and less angry about everything.



i had this conversation with a good friend whom i studied with in korea a few days ago, if we ever go back to seoul, we would take the train to the last station and climb the mountains for the sake of old memories. i want to look back at yoido and walk under the canopies of cherry blossom, run from oksu bridge to apkujeoung, eat watermelon and do things that made me happy. it really doesn't matter anymore that my friends dislike me at the time. i don't miss them. they were just tiny fragments in my story. seoul has always been sentimental and betrayal of an ex-husband and an ex-friend.

dear daisy,

dear daisy,

my mother passed away peacefully in march after getting diagnosed with sarcoma on the very morning of chinese new year in february.  writing again after a long absence feels awkward, i just don't know where should i start. i miss my mom everyday. and looking myself in the mirror makes me miss her more. i wish i have half of her gut and courage, the love for life and patience. i used to tell myself that the best way to experience life is to live a life. for that reason, i stopped writing for a while and stayed away from social media. i went back into my journals that i wrote when i was in undergrad and school - i was a terrible hopeless romantic. predictable and gullible. despite what the heck persona, i married the guy who shared his ipod and ran the cheonggyechon with me. maybe i should look into other things, perhaps - his book shelf? subscription and watsapp notification (i tend not to trust people who hide their timestamp)

there is more to life than being cool - told my mom. marriage is something else, sometimes you are lucky, and sometimes you are not. nevertheless, you will get bored after sometime, and that needs hardwork.

maybe marriage is not for me anymore. i told my mom not to worry about.

in her deathbed, i played the songs that she loved from the carpenters and pink floyd' wish you were here from 1977 very first date with babah. i went to roger water's concert in boston all by myself in 2017, exactly fourty years after. of course i received that 'look' from my parents, but it was hard to find people with the same interest and let alone a band from yesteryears. maybe i was wrong because i went to coldplay concert alone too. and to other concerts - daughtery, goo goo dolls etc. i had this conversation with my good friend weeks ago, that we shall go to 30 seconds to mars together even when we are old and ripe, and sing out loud, brave new world to each other's face.

i like someone who reads. but not like socrates with philosophical view that expand from politics to academics and sustainable world. maybe someone who is simple and logic, good at senses. and the list go on. mom knew, despite all, i love someone who love and care for me, simply because of love - the greatest gift of all.

i miss my mom. and i miss making excuses.

i found her rendang tok' recipe this morning while cleaning the shelves. it has been sometime since i last made rendang. i am blessed with a father, a brother and a sister who are good at cooking - that is me making excuse not to cook for raya.

i miss you mom. life is difficult without you.