dear daisy,
it seems that i could not get rid of this song out of my mind after watching the watchmen, mid weekdays after long day at work. the nostalgia episode is haunting me of memories from the past. i miss my mom, i miss seeing her in the house and randomly came to my room for an afternoon nap while i was reading.
i am having difficulties at breathing and on inhaler for two months now. running seems like a difficult task and my last marathon was in 2018. i am trying to get better, one thing at a time. the grief, sorrow and sadness will never get away whilst the best is to make the life better than the sufferings - from ben okri, the famished road - the book that i didn't manage to finish yet. perhaps this is the most authentic thing about being human, our capasity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our sufferings.
the blessing to this make me ponder much upon lives, because talking is exhausting, i listen more and learn sign language via youtube with my niece.
a friend came to visit me yesterday in cyber, we went to a launching ceremony of a chemical product that was hyped to reduce carbon emission from fossil fuel burning and revolutionized the industry. i was curious by the claim. after two and half hours there, the product turned out to be an MLM scam and the demonstration with fire was nothing but blowing the candles out of a birthday cake - leaving people in awe and amazement of false description of how engine should work with fuel.
industrial revolution.
it horrible to think that there is no revolution without bloodshed. revolution is a war and there is no war without violence. by the same virtue, perhaps we need to change our rhetoric at fighting the climate change by using effective verbs without connotation to mass killing, injustice and horrible monstrous acts.
next week will be my last week of the year teaching before leaving to london with my cousin and her family. this time, the feeling is different, her cancer diagnosis last week did not turn out to be good. i am loss at words. i did not know what to ask and to say to make her comfortable. it turned out the friend who came yesterday shares the same oncologist with my cousin. she showed me the postings from her support group, many are young mothers with small children, around my age. like my cousin, she is doing her best to protect, to nurture and to care of the young ones because no one will love the children like their own mothers.
at this tender age of 36, i am struggling to cope with the loss and some days went by like winds. i didn't even recognise my friend who was mom's doctor in the palliative care. i volunteered with her at rohingya mobile clinic on a monthly basis for few months but she was a stranger to me at the time. all memories came flooded back when we met again in a charity clinic at chow kit a month after my mother's passing.
looking back at my writings, i clearly do not have any directions. i always wanted to be a scientist in tissue engineering and organ regeneration, someone good in art and live in a house that i design - with contemporary 70s geometrical look. how should i write the application to the ceo program as the dateline is tomorrow - i have no idea about business organization, trading and commercialisation.
my aim is to beat sundar pitchai and bring back the balance in internet neutrality and to make sure that the company i lead pays tax and adhere to social liability - unlike facebook and the housing crisis in san francisco. i just finished reading the open letter by larry parge and sergei brin upon their resignation from alphabeth to make way to sundar pitchai as the new ceo.
i am not a socialist. i don't want to give name to my political belief because i am not sure of how the world is functioning. the world that we know today is ever keeping evolving dynamically and organically and there is a need for a leader that is capable to adapt, to withstand challenges and criticisms and able to make good decision to steer path for the betterment of the company in the future.
i hope 2020 will bring goodness and be kind to me. i wish i will get the grant for my tissue engineering work. it is physics, chemistry, math and biology, not science fiction ala' mary shelley - but modern prometheus is the basis for bioethics. perhaps in another day, i will write about that.
