Sunday 19 May 2019
damien rice - delicate
O is my favorite album. cannonball is my favorite song.
dear daisy,
i am always drawn to my past and repeating the same cycle, with a little bit of twist, and twinge. going to the same place that i had been before, seeing people from my past - but the list shrinks with time, i guess or if i recall from a reading, that in life, we don't need more than five friends. and if you have, then you are lucky, but if you don't - don't worry. we all will be reduced to ashes, as stardust, scattering, floating and wondering in this vast universe.
we came to this world alone, and maybe that is how we should leave the world too. as a stranger. should it bother me that no one will ever remember me, just the way i want them to remember me? even biographies are full with historical inaccuracies and overt claims in forms of humble brags. maybe i should be paying attention at writing this blog with consistencies and less angry about everything.
i had this conversation with a good friend whom i studied with in korea a few days ago, if we ever go back to seoul, we would take the train to the last station and climb the mountains for the sake of old memories. i want to look back at yoido and walk under the canopies of cherry blossom, run from oksu bridge to apkujeoung, eat watermelon and do things that made me happy. it really doesn't matter anymore that my friends dislike me at the time. i don't miss them. they were just tiny fragments in my story. seoul has always been sentimental and betrayal of an ex-husband and an ex-friend.
Tuesday 7 May 2019
dear daisy,
dear daisy,
my mother passed away peacefully in march after getting diagnosed with sarcoma on the very morning of chinese new year in february. writing again after a long absence feels awkward, i just don't know where should i start. i miss my mom everyday. and looking myself in the mirror makes me miss her more. i wish i have half of her gut and courage, the love for life and patience. i used to tell myself that the best way to experience life is to live a life. for that reason, i stopped writing for a while and stayed away from social media. i went back into my journals that i wrote when i was in undergrad and school - i was a terrible hopeless romantic. predictable and gullible. despite what the heck persona, i married the guy who shared his ipod and ran the cheonggyechon with me. maybe i should look into other things, perhaps - his book shelf? subscription and watsapp notification (i tend not to trust people who hide their timestamp)
there is more to life than being cool - told my mom. marriage is something else, sometimes you are lucky, and sometimes you are not. nevertheless, you will get bored after sometime, and that needs hardwork.
maybe marriage is not for me anymore. i told my mom not to worry about.
in her deathbed, i played the songs that she loved from the carpenters and pink floyd' wish you were here from 1977 very first date with babah. i went to roger water's concert in boston all by myself in 2017, exactly fourty years after. of course i received that 'look' from my parents, but it was hard to find people with the same interest and let alone a band from yesteryears. maybe i was wrong because i went to coldplay concert alone too. and to other concerts - daughtery, goo goo dolls etc. i had this conversation with my good friend weeks ago, that we shall go to 30 seconds to mars together even when we are old and ripe, and sing out loud, brave new world to each other's face.
i like someone who reads. but not like socrates with philosophical view that expand from politics to academics and sustainable world. maybe someone who is simple and logic, good at senses. and the list go on. mom knew, despite all, i love someone who love and care for me, simply because of love - the greatest gift of all.
i miss my mom. and i miss making excuses.
i found her rendang tok' recipe this morning while cleaning the shelves. it has been sometime since i last made rendang. i am blessed with a father, a brother and a sister who are good at cooking - that is me making excuse not to cook for raya.
i miss you mom. life is difficult without you.
my mother passed away peacefully in march after getting diagnosed with sarcoma on the very morning of chinese new year in february. writing again after a long absence feels awkward, i just don't know where should i start. i miss my mom everyday. and looking myself in the mirror makes me miss her more. i wish i have half of her gut and courage, the love for life and patience. i used to tell myself that the best way to experience life is to live a life. for that reason, i stopped writing for a while and stayed away from social media. i went back into my journals that i wrote when i was in undergrad and school - i was a terrible hopeless romantic. predictable and gullible. despite what the heck persona, i married the guy who shared his ipod and ran the cheonggyechon with me. maybe i should look into other things, perhaps - his book shelf? subscription and watsapp notification (i tend not to trust people who hide their timestamp)
there is more to life than being cool - told my mom. marriage is something else, sometimes you are lucky, and sometimes you are not. nevertheless, you will get bored after sometime, and that needs hardwork.
maybe marriage is not for me anymore. i told my mom not to worry about.
in her deathbed, i played the songs that she loved from the carpenters and pink floyd' wish you were here from 1977 very first date with babah. i went to roger water's concert in boston all by myself in 2017, exactly fourty years after. of course i received that 'look' from my parents, but it was hard to find people with the same interest and let alone a band from yesteryears. maybe i was wrong because i went to coldplay concert alone too. and to other concerts - daughtery, goo goo dolls etc. i had this conversation with my good friend weeks ago, that we shall go to 30 seconds to mars together even when we are old and ripe, and sing out loud, brave new world to each other's face.
i like someone who reads. but not like socrates with philosophical view that expand from politics to academics and sustainable world. maybe someone who is simple and logic, good at senses. and the list go on. mom knew, despite all, i love someone who love and care for me, simply because of love - the greatest gift of all.
i miss my mom. and i miss making excuses.
i found her rendang tok' recipe this morning while cleaning the shelves. it has been sometime since i last made rendang. i am blessed with a father, a brother and a sister who are good at cooking - that is me making excuse not to cook for raya.
i miss you mom. life is difficult without you.
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